Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
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Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.