[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
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Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
🚲+physics = winner
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
*launders Kohls cash*
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.