If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
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While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
not for long
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
“I wouldn’t.”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
I can’t deal with men any longer
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN