Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
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me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.