When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
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I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?