Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
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Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
did it work
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Saturday
Finally! 😈
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York