Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.