Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
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me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
British websites use biscuits.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.