Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
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@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.