just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Livid.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
This is me
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.