I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
You Might Also Like
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.