Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
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*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.