i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
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*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!