Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
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“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”