I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
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An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.