I thought this was funny lol
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Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding