The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
You Might Also Like
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Salad is the decaf of food.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.