Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time