*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
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getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
This makes total sense…
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.