*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
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[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.