*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
You Might Also Like
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.