I got bills
They’re multiplying
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My birthstone is kidney
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
This is not me but this is me
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?