my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
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You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.