My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
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*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
May have had one breakfast too many
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into