Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
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When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Tier 3 meme
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.