Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
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There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Sticker placement is key.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*