If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
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Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
relationship goals
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.