Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
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air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Oh we’ve met.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked