Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
That was easy.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’