Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
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i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight