*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
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If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)