I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
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I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.