I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
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boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body