Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
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I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before