[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
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Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Terribly Tuesday.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.