“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
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boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Fiction has to make sense.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
notice
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.