I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
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Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
ready to be harvested
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
no one likes gloating
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees