cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
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Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Me sliding into hell like
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.