Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
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Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Just grow your own
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”