I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
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Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT