Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
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Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
That 👊
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Probably my best painting.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird