[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
You Might Also Like
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”