Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
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Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles