Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
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I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Wish all of my viruses were this polite