I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
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Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
the icebreaker
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3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
describing stardew valley
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.