“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
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If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Does beer think about me too?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I have a type: disappointing