[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
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Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine