me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
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How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.