CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
You Might Also Like
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children