Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
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I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.